This Is A Special Circumstance

"You don't have to be tough every minute of every day.It's okay to let down your guard.In fact, there's moments when it'sthe best thing you could possibly do -as long as you choose those moments wisely."

well this is a special circumstance because i have have a really bad week. nothing bad happened i just felt like i was missing something. i wish i had somebody to talk to, i used to have mikey but not anymore. it just sucks cause i been tryna get something off my chest but no one listens and then once i start most people start talking about themselves. thats just how human nature is though, people dont mean to, but ourselves mean more then others. Well today was the most un-icy day of all cause i felt like everyone was being really....off. like yu know those back-handed remarks that say one thing, but mean another. Today felt like a million of those, all clustered together. OMG and history was wackk because ms. marcus seating chart has put me in the most akward position ever :[

and another more important thing is that i been thinking bout my brother alot lately, and i dont really tell no one bout this cause most people think im messing around, but i used to have a brother, he was my twin and he died. i was just wondering what it would have been like if he had lived and i hadnt (not to sound emo or anything) but i was just thinking bout it. it was a 50/50 chance and i made it, not him. my parents must have been so disapionted too, cause they had always wanted a boy and they got 3 girls. i think he wuda been nice though, and smart. i cant imagine another me though, it wuda been cool to have a twin bro tho, we prolly wudnt have anything in common.

bleh theres more but its too personal for a blog, thats why i got a diary. so talk to you later bloggy, or write to you later i guess... :]

msy.cnt. :]

What Doesn't Kill You..

"those sayings were never really true, what doesn't kill you doesn't always make you stronger. what doesn't kill you can leave you blind, deaf or even crippled for the rest of your life and then how can you come out stronger after that?"

-Anonymous

Well the last...3 weeks? have been really really good. but this last week was the best because so many wierd things happened. this is gunna sound corny but like everyday was like a lesson for me. today was the most important thoughh.

i had a really good day cuz i finally just took nothing too seriously and people were wondering what was wronq with me (cuz i guess its strange for me to be giggly and happy). and then me and ashley got to be there for our friend who was having trouble :] and it was nice because i dont really get to hang wiff her much now but it was nice to feel like i could still help her out. then we hung out at skewl and mr allen was being sucha dorkk wiff the trashcans and tryna be superman(long story) and we stayed till 5:00 then went to go get pizza, then florii and nina left and me kay and ashley went back to our trains. then me and ash finally got home mad late and changed for churchh. then afterr we went out to get pizza agen (i eat it like 7 times a day and still stay skinny, isnt that sad?) and it was so funny cuz we were talking bout racism and stuff. then we ended up separating into groups. it was me, gunther, jazzy and jamillaa who were in the NOTTT puerto rican group and ashley and angel in the puerto rican group :P and gunther didnt wanna be pink(another long story) but he ended up having to be when i tricked him into singing taylor swiftt. and then we were like screaming mad loudd in the mad quiet lonely part of hellz kitchen so it was scary...then we finally made it to 9th ave and we was all still singing and screaming, but ashley missed "forever and always". then gunther wasn't letting ashley hug me gudbye cuz shes not un-puerto rican like us. lmaoo ?

but anywayszz the point of this long story is that i had a really bad 08 cuza last year and 09 is MUCH better :] also, i think things are changing for the better and i cant wait to see how the rest of this year goes :] & also people having been telling me "what doesnt kill you makes you stronger" and that is SO not true, as written in the quote abovee. i dont get why people say that. what doesnt kill you can seriously fuck you up and even ruin your life. so no assholes, what doesnt kill you DOESNT always make you stronger so stop saying that :] ALSO i figured out lying can be a good thing sometimes, and NO thast doesnt mean lying to a piont where you take someones heart and rip it all up and stomp all over it. *cough*pengy*cough* like little lies. because it turns out if you dont lie there'll always be someone mad at you...

and also lately i felt like i got no one to talk to and i been having a rough time but i realizeddd that i always have the one person i could trust no matter how far away.

;;*my gaurdian angel :] ;;*

Never Simple. Never Easy.

"people are people and we always change our mind, but its killing me to see you go after all this time, and we know its never simple, never easy, never a clean break, no ones here to save me your the only thing i know, like the back of my hand."

-Breathe - Taylor Swift

bleh i just really need to vent on to things today, the first one is for myself and the secound one is for everyone else. I've always been known to be the happiest, loudest and at times probably the most giggly person ever. and about zero people in my life know who i really am. i dont share any of my hopes and dreams with anyone. not even my best friend knows anything about me. sure they know i like Taylor swift, and to sing, and laugh and stuff, but im not really like that...thats how i used to be. Well to be completely honest thats how i am 75 percent of the time but the other 25 im gazing off into the distance or sumthin. thats not me being bored. thats me tryna think of something to make me feel better cuz im tired..and i dont think anybodies ever really noticed but i mouth the words to songs ALOT. even sometimes when i dont have an Ipod on. thats me sad too. nobody ever really notices the bad stuff in life only the good stuff. and dont get me wrong, im a mad happy person, when i laugh im REALLY laughing (and i laugh ALOT) but when im sad im really sad and none of my friends ever wanna hear that part. i feel like i have no friends who understand me. one of them completely ditched me for other people. the other one picks sides alot. the other ones always favors a different friend and treats me very meanly and mocks me TOO muchh. another is rude. and my sammy left me for a whole bunch of strangers she barely knew. im not sayin im the perfect friend, bcuz im not. but i always try to be, i always try and be a good person even if it doesnt work out all the way. i feel like i havent had a good real friend since melissa, marijke and mikey. but even they didnt know me all the way.

and the secound subject lol...is about me kinda too. but for somereason my appearence and my body lately have become everybodies priority and i just kinda wanna politely say BACK OFF its my body and if i wanted to be a fat pig then i would be so fuck everyone whos been like awh clarice you want a burger? and ahh! your so skinny or mocking me cuzza my size. i LOVE being skinny and i love being me. atleast i dont have a gaint gut like most peoples and im proud cuz even tho i admit to being a bit too skinny & i shud gain a LITTLE weight just fo health reasons but other then that ima stay skinny forever. for some reason being fat is hot now so i guess im never gunna be hot lmaoo. well yeah i think thats pretty much it. if someone comments about my wieght ill comment on something fucked up bout you. no ones perfect so no one has a right to judge my body as being wrong cuz im pretty sure that person isnt perfectly shaped so thats dumb.

oh! and just in case people get offended by it, well thats your problem
but if your one of my close friends i didnt right this to target you, its just saying how i feel cuz you know i love you guysz :]

FEARLESS!

"And I will be strong Even if it all goes wrong When I'm standing in the dark I'll still believe That I won't give up No I won't break down Sooner than it seems life turns aroundi have this shining light and its shining all the time"

-someones watching over me

i probably say those lines up there 10 times a dayy. i love singing that song, its so amazing, corny, but amazing :] well today was probably the most amazing day ever and im loosing my voice from all the laughing and yelling.

at first it was sorta boring but me and chris was talking bout the "doo doo of death" which was immature but funny. and then after skewl we went to go get pizza which was funny cuz the people told me, kayleen, sabrina, and ashley to be quiet and kayleen was like "why do we have to be quiet? do people need silence to digest?....*imitating a peson* SHHHH my bowels are digesting so stop talking." and more funny stuff and me and ashley got on the train to go home and we ran out and went from carts to carts and people were looking at us fallin all over the place and givin us dirty looks haha



then i went home and changed then went off to church and while the guy was talkin i started pinching my cheeks so they wud look pinker...cuz i like pink cheeks lmaoo and then ashley was like what are yuh doing so i pinched her cheek and she sed it hurted and we started pinching eachother until mcgunther shushed us lmaoo.

and then we were headin to my casaa they shut off the lights on us and kicked us out lmfaoo and the twinies gave me candy which made me and ashlye go crazy for some reason so i pinched her cheek and she started to run and i ran after her and we were running from block to block until this mexican sed somethin in spanish to us and we were like ....? and then mcgunther started fake laughing but it sounded so funny that i started really laffin so he kept laffin and then i fell on the floor and he was like ew! the floors dirty so i tried to wipe dirt on him and he tried to hit me with his shirt and it fell on the floor and he was like NOO! and i started laffin agen and he started fake laffin and it was just a mess. and ashley was being a strawberry. and i turned into a dragon (insiders) and it was just so funny. it was really sumthin :]

Wishing String

"let go when you're hurting too much, give up when love isn't enough, and move on when things are not like before. Because the only sensible way to live in this world is without rules."

-Unknown

okayy so theres this secret that i have, its not much of a secret just a little habit that i started awhile ago. its really silly but its kinda fun i guess :] i have this string and i call it my wishing string and i always tie it to some place on my body. (when im wearing uniiform it goes around my tummy, when im in jeans it goes around my thigh, when im wearing i dress it goes around my chest, etc.) well i change the colors and the string has a wish on it and i wear the string until the wish comes true. its kinda like a promise i guess. i just think its kinda like...a little wish i can carry around with me.

on a more important note i been thinking alot lately. things just happen ya know? randomly like i sed in a pervious bloq life isnt based on fair and unfair if that was true no good person wud ever die right? well my great grandfather passed away on monday and at first i didnt really think much of it but on thursday i cudnt even go to skewl, i was sad. but i went 2 church wiff ashley today and it was really fun but it aso made me think about how to make the most of things

ashley was telling me, alot and we been hanging alot lately and it just shows me how surprising people can be. and i was thinking that i cant love anyonee anymore because everyone i've ever loved has taken advantage of me. even my "friends" so forget it i guess. i dont fully love, trust, or care about anyonee. cuz the only person das gunna be around forever for me is ME so im the only person i can trust. so yeah das it, i forgive but ima never forget and EVERYONE i know has lost my respect.

Xoxo <3

Blow Out The Candles..

"The thing is, we are all a little damaged. Some of us hide it better than others, but on some level we are all torn up. We take it out on others & go through life carrying it all with us. We will end up damaging someone else & most of the time we wont even notice. Or bother to care because we are busy with our own little disaster. & That my friends, is what we call life."

-Unknown.

Oh my gosh ! im finally 15 soooo i figure it would be nice to write a blog about how i feel this VERY moment lol. If you havent already noticed, my quote is quite a bit longer then it usually is ! that is becausee this is a special blog. About change (obviously). I'm not going to say i know everything about change but i have seen alot of it happen to people. sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse.

Sometimes i feel like i dont know people anymore. like i miss so many people that i used to know. i was uh...looking through my 5th grade yearbook and i was looking at andy, taylor and everyone else i was such good friends with. and how i dont even know anything about them now. and it just makes me think...whats gunna happen. i mean right now i have such great friends like ysancis and florida and melissa but in like 10 years ? when im in paris, or ysancis is in boston. will i ever see anyone again, or will everything changee. ?

But enoughh about that sad subject and more about my birthday! they say another year older another year wider and blah blah blah. But i dont feel any different ! lmfaoo OH okay let me tell yuh about my day. i woke up and went to skewl and it was so halarious. i got mad cards and balloons and lipgloss and blah blah blah. but at lunch kayleen and florida totally dictched me and i got SO mad. but when i went back to skewl wiff nina they surprised me with a cupcake with a candle and sang happy birthday to me! and it was so sweett ! and then they put icing in myy face.

THEN after skewl we went to brendas house. andd we got ice cream and pizza and watched a movie and did bloody mary in the bathroom where sam screamed her head off cuz it was so scary lmfaoo and they baked me a cake!! and it was so tasty and we watched the sadest movie cuza ermy and it made me cry. but ysancis had to leave and it was sad but it was like the best birthday ever cuz we was all just buggin out in brendas house till 8:00 and i got home SO late which pissed off my mother! oh and they smushed cake all over my fucking faceee !

so over all i had a fantabiulous birthday and i got loads of cute stuff and yeah so i was thinkin even if things do change ima always have my friends. so no matter what even if its amillion years from now i can cell up sam or ysa and see them in a secound! or like 6 hours...since ima be in paris lmfaooo :]

So das it, 2 fingers;;* peacee <33

Fucked upp .

this world is cruel, and the only morality in a cruel world, is chance.

-harvey dent [a.k.a harvey two face]

most of the people who have known me since i was like 10 (melissa, genesis, nancy, briana, marijke, etc.] know how much of a dreamer i used to be. you know, like make wishes, 11:11, shooting stars, blah blah blah. but i was reading back in my diary and it sounded like the world is a perfect place, like there was nothing horrible happening or able to happen but life is not like that

this world is fucked up, its wrong, its unfair. so many people say that "things happen for a reason" or "the past is in the past". but thats not truee. things happen because of fate and randomly. it all depends on where yuh are who yuhr with and wuht yuhr doin. people lie, people cheat. life is unfair, yet everybody believes that it will work out in the end. and i really wish it was like that. you have to make YOUR OWN luck in this world, and MAKE your own dreams come true. or its NEVER gunna happen. thats why they say that the good people finish last, meanwhile the cheaters, liars, killers, and other people get exactly what they want and i know its fucked up, its REAL messed up but its TRUE.

Life just HAPPENS. theres no more good and bad anymore, theres just those who do what they have to do and those who are too pussy ass to do just that. so ima do me, and the rest and the world can do yuh, cuz for a 14 year old i go thro too much =/

&+ people still dont understand why i do it.