Never Simple. Never Easy.

"people are people and we always change our mind, but its killing me to see you go after all this time, and we know its never simple, never easy, never a clean break, no ones here to save me your the only thing i know, like the back of my hand."

-Breathe - Taylor Swift

bleh i just really need to vent on to things today, the first one is for myself and the secound one is for everyone else. I've always been known to be the happiest, loudest and at times probably the most giggly person ever. and about zero people in my life know who i really am. i dont share any of my hopes and dreams with anyone. not even my best friend knows anything about me. sure they know i like Taylor swift, and to sing, and laugh and stuff, but im not really like that...thats how i used to be. Well to be completely honest thats how i am 75 percent of the time but the other 25 im gazing off into the distance or sumthin. thats not me being bored. thats me tryna think of something to make me feel better cuz im tired..and i dont think anybodies ever really noticed but i mouth the words to songs ALOT. even sometimes when i dont have an Ipod on. thats me sad too. nobody ever really notices the bad stuff in life only the good stuff. and dont get me wrong, im a mad happy person, when i laugh im REALLY laughing (and i laugh ALOT) but when im sad im really sad and none of my friends ever wanna hear that part. i feel like i have no friends who understand me. one of them completely ditched me for other people. the other one picks sides alot. the other ones always favors a different friend and treats me very meanly and mocks me TOO muchh. another is rude. and my sammy left me for a whole bunch of strangers she barely knew. im not sayin im the perfect friend, bcuz im not. but i always try to be, i always try and be a good person even if it doesnt work out all the way. i feel like i havent had a good real friend since melissa, marijke and mikey. but even they didnt know me all the way.

and the secound subject lol...is about me kinda too. but for somereason my appearence and my body lately have become everybodies priority and i just kinda wanna politely say BACK OFF its my body and if i wanted to be a fat pig then i would be so fuck everyone whos been like awh clarice you want a burger? and ahh! your so skinny or mocking me cuzza my size. i LOVE being skinny and i love being me. atleast i dont have a gaint gut like most peoples and im proud cuz even tho i admit to being a bit too skinny & i shud gain a LITTLE weight just fo health reasons but other then that ima stay skinny forever. for some reason being fat is hot now so i guess im never gunna be hot lmaoo. well yeah i think thats pretty much it. if someone comments about my wieght ill comment on something fucked up bout you. no ones perfect so no one has a right to judge my body as being wrong cuz im pretty sure that person isnt perfectly shaped so thats dumb.

oh! and just in case people get offended by it, well thats your problem
but if your one of my close friends i didnt right this to target you, its just saying how i feel cuz you know i love you guysz :]

FEARLESS!

"And I will be strong Even if it all goes wrong When I'm standing in the dark I'll still believe That I won't give up No I won't break down Sooner than it seems life turns aroundi have this shining light and its shining all the time"

-someones watching over me

i probably say those lines up there 10 times a dayy. i love singing that song, its so amazing, corny, but amazing :] well today was probably the most amazing day ever and im loosing my voice from all the laughing and yelling.

at first it was sorta boring but me and chris was talking bout the "doo doo of death" which was immature but funny. and then after skewl we went to go get pizza which was funny cuz the people told me, kayleen, sabrina, and ashley to be quiet and kayleen was like "why do we have to be quiet? do people need silence to digest?....*imitating a peson* SHHHH my bowels are digesting so stop talking." and more funny stuff and me and ashley got on the train to go home and we ran out and went from carts to carts and people were looking at us fallin all over the place and givin us dirty looks haha



then i went home and changed then went off to church and while the guy was talkin i started pinching my cheeks so they wud look pinker...cuz i like pink cheeks lmaoo and then ashley was like what are yuh doing so i pinched her cheek and she sed it hurted and we started pinching eachother until mcgunther shushed us lmaoo.

and then we were headin to my casaa they shut off the lights on us and kicked us out lmfaoo and the twinies gave me candy which made me and ashlye go crazy for some reason so i pinched her cheek and she started to run and i ran after her and we were running from block to block until this mexican sed somethin in spanish to us and we were like ....? and then mcgunther started fake laughing but it sounded so funny that i started really laffin so he kept laffin and then i fell on the floor and he was like ew! the floors dirty so i tried to wipe dirt on him and he tried to hit me with his shirt and it fell on the floor and he was like NOO! and i started laffin agen and he started fake laffin and it was just a mess. and ashley was being a strawberry. and i turned into a dragon (insiders) and it was just so funny. it was really sumthin :]

Wishing String

"let go when you're hurting too much, give up when love isn't enough, and move on when things are not like before. Because the only sensible way to live in this world is without rules."

-Unknown

okayy so theres this secret that i have, its not much of a secret just a little habit that i started awhile ago. its really silly but its kinda fun i guess :] i have this string and i call it my wishing string and i always tie it to some place on my body. (when im wearing uniiform it goes around my tummy, when im in jeans it goes around my thigh, when im wearing i dress it goes around my chest, etc.) well i change the colors and the string has a wish on it and i wear the string until the wish comes true. its kinda like a promise i guess. i just think its kinda like...a little wish i can carry around with me.

on a more important note i been thinking alot lately. things just happen ya know? randomly like i sed in a pervious bloq life isnt based on fair and unfair if that was true no good person wud ever die right? well my great grandfather passed away on monday and at first i didnt really think much of it but on thursday i cudnt even go to skewl, i was sad. but i went 2 church wiff ashley today and it was really fun but it aso made me think about how to make the most of things

ashley was telling me, alot and we been hanging alot lately and it just shows me how surprising people can be. and i was thinking that i cant love anyonee anymore because everyone i've ever loved has taken advantage of me. even my "friends" so forget it i guess. i dont fully love, trust, or care about anyonee. cuz the only person das gunna be around forever for me is ME so im the only person i can trust. so yeah das it, i forgive but ima never forget and EVERYONE i know has lost my respect.

Xoxo <3

Blow Out The Candles..

"The thing is, we are all a little damaged. Some of us hide it better than others, but on some level we are all torn up. We take it out on others & go through life carrying it all with us. We will end up damaging someone else & most of the time we wont even notice. Or bother to care because we are busy with our own little disaster. & That my friends, is what we call life."

-Unknown.

Oh my gosh ! im finally 15 soooo i figure it would be nice to write a blog about how i feel this VERY moment lol. If you havent already noticed, my quote is quite a bit longer then it usually is ! that is becausee this is a special blog. About change (obviously). I'm not going to say i know everything about change but i have seen alot of it happen to people. sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse.

Sometimes i feel like i dont know people anymore. like i miss so many people that i used to know. i was uh...looking through my 5th grade yearbook and i was looking at andy, taylor and everyone else i was such good friends with. and how i dont even know anything about them now. and it just makes me think...whats gunna happen. i mean right now i have such great friends like ysancis and florida and melissa but in like 10 years ? when im in paris, or ysancis is in boston. will i ever see anyone again, or will everything changee. ?

But enoughh about that sad subject and more about my birthday! they say another year older another year wider and blah blah blah. But i dont feel any different ! lmfaoo OH okay let me tell yuh about my day. i woke up and went to skewl and it was so halarious. i got mad cards and balloons and lipgloss and blah blah blah. but at lunch kayleen and florida totally dictched me and i got SO mad. but when i went back to skewl wiff nina they surprised me with a cupcake with a candle and sang happy birthday to me! and it was so sweett ! and then they put icing in myy face.

THEN after skewl we went to brendas house. andd we got ice cream and pizza and watched a movie and did bloody mary in the bathroom where sam screamed her head off cuz it was so scary lmfaoo and they baked me a cake!! and it was so tasty and we watched the sadest movie cuza ermy and it made me cry. but ysancis had to leave and it was sad but it was like the best birthday ever cuz we was all just buggin out in brendas house till 8:00 and i got home SO late which pissed off my mother! oh and they smushed cake all over my fucking faceee !

so over all i had a fantabiulous birthday and i got loads of cute stuff and yeah so i was thinkin even if things do change ima always have my friends. so no matter what even if its amillion years from now i can cell up sam or ysa and see them in a secound! or like 6 hours...since ima be in paris lmfaooo :]

So das it, 2 fingers;;* peacee <33

Fucked upp .

this world is cruel, and the only morality in a cruel world, is chance.

-harvey dent [a.k.a harvey two face]

most of the people who have known me since i was like 10 (melissa, genesis, nancy, briana, marijke, etc.] know how much of a dreamer i used to be. you know, like make wishes, 11:11, shooting stars, blah blah blah. but i was reading back in my diary and it sounded like the world is a perfect place, like there was nothing horrible happening or able to happen but life is not like that

this world is fucked up, its wrong, its unfair. so many people say that "things happen for a reason" or "the past is in the past". but thats not truee. things happen because of fate and randomly. it all depends on where yuh are who yuhr with and wuht yuhr doin. people lie, people cheat. life is unfair, yet everybody believes that it will work out in the end. and i really wish it was like that. you have to make YOUR OWN luck in this world, and MAKE your own dreams come true. or its NEVER gunna happen. thats why they say that the good people finish last, meanwhile the cheaters, liars, killers, and other people get exactly what they want and i know its fucked up, its REAL messed up but its TRUE.

Life just HAPPENS. theres no more good and bad anymore, theres just those who do what they have to do and those who are too pussy ass to do just that. so ima do me, and the rest and the world can do yuh, cuz for a 14 year old i go thro too much =/

&+ people still dont understand why i do it.

Behind The Music.

"Goodbye, my almost lover; Goodbye, my hopeless dream im trying not to think about you, cnt you just let me be? so long my luckless romance' my back in turned on you. i should've known you'd bring me heartache, 'almost lovers' always do"

-Anonymous

Well here it goes. the longest blog i'm probably ever going to write. The hardest thing you will ever have to do in life is find yourself a miracle, love. a job? fill out some papers. a house? raise some money and buy some. but a miracle? it takes alot of work. for most people it takes a lifetime to find. i found my ALMOST miracle at the most unexpected moment ever. i walked into class and saw a whole bunch of new people who werent in my class before. in my head i though "ew" when i first saw the person sitting across the room. he first drew my eye because of how he managed to stand out with out saying even one word. i was angry. angry at the whole entire world for messing up the very thing i loved. for currupting the only person i care about. brian, was his name. he's probably the dumb, selfish, greedy boy who i stayed with for an extremely long time and who ruined everything i loved. stained it with HIS perversed unhealthy love. thats an old story, but it plays an affect on this one too. Well this boy who i thought was "ew". was actually an amazing person, not that i knew at the time. im not usually a shy person if you know me. loud, is what most people describe me as. i ended up liking his personality more then i liked my own, which was a rare thing because i thought a was an estimable person. i learned though, that at that time i had not done a very admirable thing so i turned around left him alone for awhile. until we started talking again around december? or january? i remember because i was doing something VERY important the minute he IMed me.

I dont know what made me so interested in him. it seemed that whenever he walked into the room hed shined while everyone else just glowed. Even if there was nothing to talk about i still wanted to talk to him, even if it got completely boring and looked completely horrible on one day i still thought he was the most amazing, beautiful, funny, sweet person i ever met. i was so caught up in his amazing way of turning everything i hated into something funny without even trying. i wanted something, anything to say that would make him feel the same that would make him realize that i didnt want to miss out on who he was. there were those times, when things would get real quiet he'd tell me the most contradictary ideas of his. i'd ask him for the most straight up answers. the answers he'd give me were so horribly thought out, which i did not know at the time. they gave me hope. a false hope, for me, for him, for next year. it did not occur to me that it could be lie. how could the most perfect person in the world would lie to me. it was the most unbelievable quiet thing. never even expected it, but i could feel it, i could almost hear it. hear exactly what i SAW eventually. it probably hurt more then anything i ever knew, and reminded me of september 5th, 2007.

what he said was the most imperfect, insecure, unconfident, pathetic, dumb, retarded thing i had ever heard in my entire life. "when people have something important to say i just let them talk and listen". what an asshole. so i realized that this boy who i thought was the most amazing person in the worst was just like everyone else in my whole entire life. just like brian, but maybe not as horribly ignorent. but i could never get him out of my head, could never stop thinking about him. which i still dont completely comprehend. hes such an ASS. why do i still like him. maybe because of the person i saw when i walked into the classroom that day. the boy who caught my atention without even what one. the sweet, funny person i met all those months ago. i cannot tell any of you the exact date where he changed. i cannot explain how the boy with the unconfidentness but who i thought was amzing because of how humble he was. i could blame his friends, but that wouldnt be very fair. considering i barely know them. but whatever it was i hate it, hate it for changing someone who was a really good person and turning him into something much less human then the guy i know now. i still adore him, ima always have love for him. you cant just flick a switch and fall out of caring for someone that much.

and if hes reading this i just want him to know that i regret every single word i said to ever make you feel special, and that you were important. i regret that part the most, and i wish yuh would have given me a chance to speak, to show you who i am or atleast told me the truth from the start instead of just being SO rude about it. i hope your happy, i guess cause thats all i ever really wanted for yuh, to be happy. so once again im going to turn around and pretend that this this feeling i have for you isnt happening. that i never knew who yuh were before so i dont have to compare and see how sucky this year turned out. because i feel like i've been crazy from the day i met you. i coulkd curse at yuh all day but yuh'd never really know how angry i am. no matter how mad i am i cant make myself hate anyone, cuz thats not how i am.

hugs and kisses to my pengy.

you'll always have a piece of my heart

Love is patient and kind.

"Love is always patient and kind; it is never jealous. love is never boastful or concieted; it is never rude or selfish. it does not take offence and it is not resentful."

-A Walk To Remember

the quote above is why i wanted to make this blog. i wasnt even sure how i wanted to start this off though. i typed the same paragraph over and over again trying to see if anything sounded right. Love is the most important thing i have ever witnessed it is the most important word and phrase i have ever heard. Even though half the world talks about love nobody really knows what love is. its not just caring about someone. its loving every aspect of that someone. admiring every quality and flaw they have. So many people say hate is such a strong word, but so is love and im so outraged at how people throw the word love around like it doesnt mean anything. i love bread. i love grapes. i love marbles. NO you dont. you like it. you enjoy it. you do NOT love it.

but what makes me even more upset is that people think...to feel love you have to have a boyfriend or girlfriend. no, no, no. you can love anything that you admire and have close to you. like i love my friends. not ALL of them, but i do love some of them as if they were my own family. love isnt something you touch or move. its a feeling, an addicting. a disorder of wanting and needing something badly. Not being able to breathe without it. and even though it sounds corny and crazy and obsessive. THAT is what love is. so if you dont feel that strongly about something and you say love. you should take that word and stick it straight down your throat again because theres a vast difference between wanting something and needing something

needing something is love.

I Figured Out Something Today

"Clarice I am really glad I met you. I've realized that I could finally trust someone and that someone in this world could actually be honest. Your a very honest person and I consider that to be a very admirable quailty. Good friends are hard to find so I'm glad I met you."

-Kayleen Nicole Negro"n"

Some people drive me up the wall. i mean like really bug me. but i figured out something today, or maybe i sorta kinda knew all along. It all started friday when i hung wiff sam, rosa, ermy, and others at the park and we was having so much fun in the sprinklers. My summer has been so crazy and wild so far that it helped me figure out sumthin i never knew before. Today though was absolutely amazing.

i hadnt seen kayleen in awhile in fact i hadnt seen a few people from skewl in awhile so it was nice seeing her. we ate pizza, walked around, chilled at dunkin donuts (double D's lmaoo) and even was gunna go to a carnival and 5 minutes ago when we were making a mess and eating zeppolesand talking about WHATEVER we wanted to talk about and i realize friends like her are rare. MOST of my friends are rare which is why i love them.

i was really upset that past couple of weeks because of some confusing shit that has been going down but i dont think that matters anymore. me and kayleen are in her house right now while i type this and we are about to watch the chongas on youtube. i dont know this got kinda random. but just making a point that i finally am completely happyy with everything around me so just try to bring me down. =)

i dare you.

the beginning of my blogy-ness :]

well im clarice and when kayleen told me i could make this blogging thing i really had no idea what i would write but when i thought about it, no one really knows me. like really knows me. my hopes, dreams, wishes, goals, even my everyday life. im happy, im perky, im always laughing. thats all that anybody really knows. but if you get past that its like im a completely different person. so this is why i made this blog to show people that everything isnt just a joke to me and update yuh guysz on my complicated life. im not clarice, clariie, or any of these stupid nicknames i gett im just me :]

sincerely
mariska and clariie